I have been so stupid

Not news. I'm sure I've talked about this somewhere before. My whole life has always revolved around one principle: Always assume the worst outcome so that you're prepared for it when it happens.

It was sort of like a self-defense barrier to me. By preparing for the worst outcome, I wouldn't be as strongly disappointed as I would be. I had called it a realistic approach to things in my life, and I would also make sure to balance out the negative and the positive aspects of every single thing I was dealing with. All this while still maintaining a neutral attitude

I can't say that this method was a bad idea though. Being a thoroughly positive person has never worked out for me, as being someone who can't handle failures and hardship well. 

Looking at the dark side is a way of looking out for myself, while thinking of the bright side gives me hope that things could get better. I am my own motor and brakes. 

The other day, however, I thought about my life a lot (as usual) in conjunction to something I learned quite recently. It'd about the Law of Attraction: which is basically a belief that you alone have the power to attract the things you desire in your life just by directing your thoughts and attitudes toward it. 
For example, you have decided you wanted to improve your appearance this year. So instead of constantly sprinkling your thoughts with words that highlight your weaknesses (such as "I am ugly", "I'm so unattractive", "I'm so fat", "I'm so ordinary", "I'm not like Sunmi" etc.), you can start to focus on the positive traits you are gifted with. They might be hard to find if you tend to be a self-critic like me,but trust me, they are there!

Or let me give you the classic example, because honestly I am still new at this. Let's say that you are late for the first 9 am lecture today. I kid you not, this is my day today. I ended up getting out my house much later than usual, and boarded the Jubilee line at about 8:49. These are moments when one would normally panic and think "Waaa I'm gonna be late!"/ "I won't make it in time". 
The law of attraction's basis is that if you really really want something in your life, the whole universe will side with you to make sure it happens. Now, this statement is something I would normally laugh at and dismiss. But if you really think about it, this isn't really a lie, is it? 

Back to the example, while you are thinking about not making it in time, the universe is sort of listening to you. Bear with me on this. It's kind of like saying, you become what you think.

The way i see it is this: on any normal day, i would have been so ''devastated'' by the fact that I was running late that I would eventually convince myself that maybe going to the library and study there is a better idea, rather than go the lecture hall and arrive late. Even if my arrival time was something like 9:05ish.  When you think negative thoughts like this, you find a bazillion reasons to give up quite easily. But when you start thinking like ''Hey, I might be a bit early!'', ''I am not that punctual but not bad either'', your whole attitude changes and you start to feel like things are worth a shot, even if they are unlikely. 

I am not saying that thinking words like ''early'' instead of ''late'' will stop time and get you to your lecture punctually. But just switching your choice of vocabulary can make a whole lot of difference in your thoughts and the way you tackle things and even your whole day. 

I'll admit that my personality is hardly a bright ray of sunshine, but this year I would like to incorporate a bit more of positive vibes into my ''realistic approach of life''. I realize that even when I have tried thinking neutrally and logically, I have been way more biased toward the negative side more than the positive side of my problems. This isn't really the balance I thought I was creating in my life, because I found that whenever I get positive outcomes, it still comes to me as an unexpected surprise that i hardly know how to react. 

What I want to do this year is to still keep my realistic approach, but do a bit more of positive thinking and attract the things I desire in my life: joy, confidence, friendliness, inspiration, creativity, success, etc. 

You might feel that the law of attraction idea still sounds like something you are not yet ready to work on, and that's okay. But there is one thing I would like you to take home, and that is the fact that it is utterly useless to dwell on the sorrow of things you have no control of. I have made stupid mistakes in my life because all these worries around me had clouded my vision toward what mattered to me the most. And maybe that's why I was so late in achieving the goals I was working on? 

The train was late. That wasn't my fault. And glancing at my clock every single minute on my commute won't make the train go any faster. And looking back I do wish I had been more energetic and confident in tackling my problems. 
It's not about having a carefree life, because I believe that it would be dangerous thing to live as recklessly with no worries. Worries can be the fuel to our motors and gives us an incentive to reach our destinations, but you need only special kind of fuels and special kind of worries. You just need to decide what things are worth worrying about and come up with a plan to make them better. Let go of the worries you have no control of. 
Also, talk to someone if you are having any trouble. It's never a bad time to ask for help. Take a deep breath and keep working towards your dreams. 

You're not that far away!