2016 so far

Needed to post an update, so here I am! Hello, yes, I'm still alive.
How are you guys doing?  Fine? Good for you. Not fine? Oh,  I'm sorry. I hope you'll feel better.
Yep, now, don't ask me ''How are you?''. If you're reading this and you happen to know me, here is something to keep in mind. Never ask a person like me the question ''How are you?''.
'Cause frankly, I don't know the answer myself and I'll lie with the classic ''I'm fine'' so as not to sound like a drama queen.
I'm a person with lots insecurities and fears. And this year has been the probably worst year of my life. I have been mostly unhappy and lots of bad things have happened.


Most of the time I found myself facing them alone, so I couldn't talk to anyone 'cause nobody knew what was happening. I have moved to a new country and all my friends have parted ways after finishing high school and some are still in high school. Each one of us having a busy schedule and being so far away, I couldn't get myself to reach out to anyone, because writing my feelings out on a chat box on Facebook looked really lame to me. And Skype and telephone make me really awkward and uneasy. (What a complicated person I am!).
I have changed a lot. Music was no longer my friend, as it brought back old emotions that I had been trying to hold back and let go. And finding time for writing or doing recreational things I love was hard, as I couldn't concentrate on them when I knew I should have been doing other important things.
In my mind, I kept thinking I'm strong enough to be by myself and face what's on my plate alone. Unlike my years in high school, I now believe in myself when nobody else is. Even though I'm not where I want to be, I still believe that I can be better than this if I keep working hard toward my dreams.

I never liked the idea becoming a grown up. But as my 19th birthday approached, so did my chain of bad luck throughout the whole year.

Yesterday had been a good day with a couple of good news. And I was telling my friend that I was happy, but I was more scared that this happiness won't last. It's been like this ever since I was a child. Every time I expected something good, the opposite would happen. And lately, these kinds of things has been happening a lot. My mood would change in a matter of hours. And no, I'm pretty sure I'm not bipolar. It's just things and people in my life who come and go as they please. Some days I find it hard to stay positive and realistic and I cannot eliminate the negative vibe that was born in my family way long before me.

Until one day, I realised I think I have forgotten to be happy. It happened when I was at one of my driving lessons and I have been making really good progress that week. My tutor was really excited to see me do so well and she was like ''What's the matter? I would be jumping up my seat right now if I were you!!''. And I felt like I had Kristen Stewart's face from Twilight. No emotions and a smile as an awkward acknowledgement of a happy event. It came as a shock to me, and the more I thought about it I kept wondering how did I become like this. Is that what being strong was all about? Not feeling anything even when things are going great? Does being strong mean not to ever let your guard down from your emotions even when you're so happy you could touch the sky?
Maybe I'm been so good at hiding my emotions from others that now I can't find them myself either. Frankly, it scares me a little, but maybe this is just a stage I'm going through.
I hope.

I don't have any solution for this, because if I were to analyse what I just wrote as someone else reading this, I would say everybody have these types of days where you feel lost and like you're getting nowhere. I guess I'm just hurt by things that didn't work out and am trying so hard to change and become a better person. There will be days when it will seem like your efforts don't pay off. I keep saying this to myself, and I'll say this to all those of you who are having a hard time:

Breathe.

In my opinion, this has got to be one of the most beautiful words in the English language and my favourite.
Don't give up. Just take a moment to relax, then make a comeback plan when you feel ready. Better days are yet to come, my friend! And most important of all, be realistic.

I used to be a very pessimistic person, because as I've said before, I grew up thinking that lowering all expectation and waiting for the worst would end up bringing me positive results. But that proved to be very unhealthy eventually, but being a optimistic person was not me. Being realistic works! It's a really nice balance between the two and helps keep thing in perspective and see a problem for what is is without any exaggeration or sugarcoating. Mind you though, it's not that easy to always stay motivated like that.

The way I like to see it and remind myself during bad times: everything happens for a reason. And if somehow a situation happens to have nothing of that sort, then I guess it's something not worth my time. I just don't want to dwell and stress on something that is beyond my control. In moments of total helplessness, I like to pray and leave it all to God, 'cause as much as your stubborn heart don't like to believe so, there really is Someone up there with a plan looking out for you.

Soooo, I guess this post has revealed a lot about my own personal life. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with my book reviews and other kinds of posts. I swear I have so many drafts to attend to. I was about to publish two book reviews that still need to be edited. But then I had so many things keeping me busy, plus flying back to Rome for 4 days and I was able to meet my best friends. We went to an Oriental Festival which was a cool experience ad I had so much fun. It felt like taking a day off from my inner demons and it was such a relief to be the person I once was, the girl my friends remember.
Oh, and one of my best friends gave me a book that I've been wanting to read for a long time, which I got started on immediately. So yep those editing reviews would just have to wait! ;)

^_^