Strange times

This last few weeks I was starting to miss my Instagram account.  I love photography, and taking pictures of things like nature, sceneries, or anything I can find deep meaning to. I am used to sharing my pictures on facebook, but I was starting to thing I wanted a wider audience for my next themed-project. I had quit instagram after I lost my iPod, right on my last year of high school. So after two years I logged in for the first time. 

And well, it didn't feel very good

(Mind you, this is just my opinion so please don't take this the wrong way. I am not trying to offend the website nor its users.)

 I don't know why or what exactly made me feel like all my energy was drained out of me. Maybe it was seeing all the old pictures and memories. Or seeing what my friends have been up to. Instagram manages to give a much broader insight into someone's life more than any other social network can. The pictures we all share shows what kind of mind we have, our lifetsyle, and how we have changed based on our timeline. 

It felt good at first, finding all my old friends from middle school and where they are now. 

I guess this must have been one of the reasons why I never bothered to go back to Instagram after I lost my iPod. As much as it is a wonderful way to share your pictures and views with the world, there are some negative aspects.

First of all, the superficiality it promotes: in my profile, for example, I would share only the best pictures, my happiest moments, my proud accomplishments, and anything that boosts my self esteem. 

And that's how you start thinking and convincing yourself that the grass is always greener on the other side. 

To me, I was flooded with regrets of thing I didn't do in my past. I felt sad about people I have lost contact with. But most of all, laugh if you will, my self-esteem was the most affected. Maybe this feels like a childish rant, but I felt like I haven't changed at all. 

Even the day before I had developed this mindset while I was on the commute back home. When I suddenly had this horrible thought: I didn't want to be me anymore.

 I felt really hideous and ugly in my 3-year-old jacket and scarf. I tend to use lots of my old clothes, so I started wondering what if I suddenly were to meet someone who knew me long time ago and they found that I look exactly the same way? I mean, of course I have changed a bit, but what I truly felt like is that perhaps I haven't really changed the way I expected to be. I have probably more flaws than good things in my personality. I realize that I have been trying hard, but ugh, days like this ones...

Times like these make me feel like I don't amount to anything. It's like I'm the only one who had missed the train to a good future that all my friends and others seem to have boarded. Why was I the only one left behind? What did I miss? 

My mind is dangerously close to going to that depression state I had in high school, which only made me see my future as nothing but a hopeless, cold and blank page.

But, don't worry about me, whoever you are reading this. I am not going to allow that. I haven't come a long way for nothing. 

There are lots of trains in life which lead to different destination. I just need to believe that the past had happened for the best, and the train I am in now is the one I am meant to board. It will surely take me somewhere I'll be happy. It's all about believing in yourself in the end. 

Isn't it funny how I become so sad about things and the next second I am my own cheerleader? I can be such a philosopher but still have silly and futile thoughts that contradicts everything I know. 

Truth is that I know there is nothing like the grass being greener. The superficiality of most social networks may make us feel that way at times, And that's simply because everyone has their good days and and everyone has their bad days. Everyone has their blessing and everyone has their regrets. Life goes on for everyone. And we're just here for the likes. ;)