But of course, I'm panicking for nothing. As usual. Time, no matter how hard you try to predict and prepare, cannot always be planned.
Like last week, we were supposed to have a Chemistry mini test about atoms, which was the most basic stuff you will learn in the course. Supposed to be easy as pie, right? Acing the test guaranteed? Oh, nope. Turns out I actually forgot to round off the number of neutrons... After all the time spent revising, I screwed up on the one thing that was supposed to be the easiest. My academic pattern has always been like this: I get the easiest things wrong and the hardest things right, which is why I never underestimate revising for easy topics. I would spend time revising the alphabet as well if I was to be tested on it, because you never know what might be the next thing I stumble over. Nevertheless, I felt really bad after the test. Even though it was a mini test, I couldn't let it go and I was upset about it for 2 days straight.
So yeah, things don't always go according to plan. And I shouldn't be worrying that I'll be turning 20 with many regrets, which no one can ever avoid. There will always be one regret you cannot let go.
I have always been the one to be scared about the future. Especially in high school, I was terrified of the future. I used to think that at that time I was doing a good job with handling the present, when in reality I was just lying to myself and sugarcoating the fact that I was running away and refusing to think about the future. In short, I was a mess on the inside.
When asked to picture what I imagine my future to be like, I could see a blank page. Or me, waking up everyday on really cold and freezing mornings, alone and sad. I was going through depression at that time, and I didn't really have a proper guidance or understanding on what to do to shape my future. As for career-related stuff, I couldn't really see ''open doors'' like most of my classmates did.
The resources I had at school weren't particularly helpful to me. When I moved to London, I found that there was an ocean of opportunities and second chances to rebuild yourself; which I never even knew was possible. I thought that it was all too late to start again and give my full potential at another shot toward my dreams. But here I am! It happened. I am working toward where I want to go, and suddenly my future wasn't a blank page anymore. Replacing the blank page are now a pile of drafts, different plans and futures I am working on and I get to choose which one to finalize.
I'm not saying that my life is now all roses and chocolates. Hahahahaha nope.
But having a definite idea of what you want to achieve, even if it's going to involve lots of hard work and struggles, is better to not have any at all! It's such a relief, that yes, when I wake up in the morning it is freezing cold. But I'm not alone and sad. My family has been by my side, and because we were all so busy back in Italy, it seemed like this is the year I finally got to know them better and appreciate everything even more than I used to.
The downside of my new-found motivation is that it makes my days very busy. Spending time on one thing means rejecting time on the other. My studies are always my priority, and as fate would have it, I fell in love with my university's library.
So many books. So quiet. Individual tables with ''walls and barriers'' around so you won't be disturbed while working. Really large windows with good view. You're allowed to take coffee in.
I could go on... :')
So ahem, yes. I spend time after classes at the library to work on my notes before I go home. And incidentally, I've made the fact quite well known among several of my classmates that they would sometimes come to me for help with studying. I'm always glad to do that, as that is also a form of revising! In fact, this is the only type of situation I would say ''The more, the merrier''. More brains equals more help, and also makes studying enjoyable. It's surprising the number of things you can learn from people, even the most mundane stuff seem fascinating.
Then there is my tutoring job, twice a week. Because tutoring is very competitive in London, it pays really well. Although, I thought about changing to a different job because I needed something to develop skills that I could list on my CV for future employers, for now, I can only handle this amount of workload. The working hours suits my academic schedule, and I don't want to feel too tired to study. I really hope I am doing a good job at it, because sometimes I do get too tired to work and teach my student, a very friendly and happy 7 year old boy, who can be stubborn at times.
At home, I have been given the responsibility to help my sister with not only her homework, but also independent learning of new topics. But she hates studying so much and cries a lot. My perfectionist mother supervises my tasks with her, and is not always happy with what I do. So yeah, constant criticism from other things about my life as well is beyond irritating, but I know I should be grateful that she cares for me so much that she pays attention to all this things. It helps a lot though, but some days I get more than my regular dose.
My father had opened a small, new restaurant! But as usual, he procrastinated a little with the planning, and he turned to me for help, kind of last minute. We had to order materials and equipment, which took 3 days because my father couldn't settle on one. I know it's important to take the time to compare the best deals when ordering online, but doing all this in a short period of time is so beyond tiring that I can never explain. So here is an imagery of how I felt during that moment: squeeze and squash orange juice in a cup. Then we looked at licenses and certificates needed for qualification, and we did it! We are finally here. And in the end, I'm glad I was able to help a little to make my father's dream come true.
My family don't ask much of me, and now with the restaurant we are going to be busy again. I wish I could always remember that I have to be patient with them, and that they can also make mistakes. I mean, don't we all get a little annoyed when helping our parents with using technology because it seems so basic to us? We forget how patient they have been with us when learning the alphabet. According to my mom, I tool 4 month to write the letter ''A'' properly. -.-''
They drive us insane, and we drive them insane. I hope I can always remember to be patient and remember that my family need me. I am grateful that they need me and love me.
Wow. Okay, so much going on in my life right now! So how am I not snapping and screaming at people to leave me alone?
The key to surviving all this is to organise before hand. As I said earlier, I cannot avoid unpredictable things or plan to the minimum detail, but having a physical weekly planner where you can write down the things that are priority, appointments and chores, gives you a bit of space to breathe and tell yourself you can handle it. It is vital for me to do this because with all this uni, job, family and other responsibilities, I need to find time for myself. I'm not even kidding, like seriously, if I spend one day without spending 2/3 hours alone and minding my own business, I become insane and exhausted.
Oh! And last Friday, this crazy thing happened. I had classed at 9, but because of my long commute to uni I have to always wake up and get out early. (I also like to be in class early before anyone else, so I have only my odd self to blame, hehe!). And since I had a study marathon the previous night, I could barely keep myself awake during the lecture. Remember last time I spoke about my yawning problem when I'm not sleepy? Well, you can only imagine what state I was in when I was actually sleepy. During the lecture, I decided I had enough and something had to be done about this. I had to be at the library for 3 hours to study. I can't reschedule my Friday library time because I can hardly study at home during the weekend because of all the reasons I just spoke of. So, you see, it's important that I stay and study for 3 hours to give myself a head start. After that I go home and then off to my tutoring job. THEN, teaching my sister is next on my task list. But TGIF, right? NO!
Anyways, then that day I had this idea to go and get a latte from the Costa coffee shop. I'm normally an anti-coffee person, but I had to cheat on tea that day because needed to survive till the end of the day. So I had one and felt immediately better. So much better that I had another one as well! I thought it might be a bad idea to have 2 lattes in one day, but actually I felt way better. Now I know why most people can't live without coffee. I had so much energy till midnight! I was even cheerful, that I played my favourite game of pick-up-sticks with my sister until very late. To think of all the Fridays I just wanted to lie down and sleep forever when I got home, coffee is not so bad after all! But it shall never replace my first love, tea. <3
Still, it was a crazy experience. Two lattes made me feel like I was high on drugs or something. (I mean, I don't do drugs but I'm certain is the closest I will ever get to finding out how it feels like to be high.) I couldn't even relax and shut down my eyes for a second as I felt so hyper-active and happy. My senses were also clear and sharp, and I had so many deep, wonderful thoughts during the commute. So yeah, maybe next time I should do this every Friday. I had a blast studying at the library, teaching at my job and at home. But I should not make a habit of it.
Well, and that's all. Life is an insane roller coaster of laughter and tears, but trust me when I say anything is better than a blank page. Things go bad and things go right unexpectedly. Everything will be fine an everything will be a mess again, as it is is the law of entropy. We, myself included, have just got to remember why we are here. Ask ourselves where we want to go. And if you don't know that yet, ask for help. I used to be so bad at asking for help! But if you want to, you can talk to me. Just comment or send me a private message on my Tumblr (link on the right side of the blog.)
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