In about two more months, I am going to turn 20! Somehow, when it occurred to me that my life has been going on for 2 decades, I felt blessed and I felt like panicking. Like, I kept thinking that maybe I'm supposed to hurry the hell up and get things done, enjoy the youth I'll never get back, make a fixed future plan which outlines my next decade with minimum detail, etc.
But of course, I'm panicking for nothing. As usual.
Time, no matter how hard you try to predict and prepare, cannot always be planned.
Like last week, we were supposed to have a Chemistry mini test about atoms, which was the most basic stuff you will learn in the course. Supposed to be easy as pie, right? Acing the test guaranteed? Oh, nope. Turns out I actually forgot to round off the number of neutrons... After all the time spent revising, I screwed up on the one thing that was supposed to be the easiest. My academic pattern has always been like this: I get the easiest things wrong and the hardest things right, which is why I never underestimate revising for easy topics. I would spend time revising the alphabet as well if I was to be tested on it, because you never know what might be the next thing I stumble over. Nevertheless, I felt really bad after the test. Even though it was a mini test, I couldn't let it go and I was upset about it for 2 days straight.
So yeah, things don't always go according to plan. And I shouldn't be worrying that I'll be turning 20 with many regrets, which no one can ever avoid. There will always be one regret you cannot let go.
I have always been the one to be scared about the future. Especially in high school, I was terrified of the future. I used to think that at that time I was doing a good job with handling the present, when in reality I was just lying to myself and sugarcoating the fact that I was running away and refusing to think about the future. In short, I was a mess on the inside.
When asked to picture what I imagine my future to be like, I could see a blank page. Or me, waking up everyday on really cold and freezing mornings, alone and sad. I was going through depression at that time, and I didn't really have a proper guidance or understanding on what to do to shape my future. As for career-related stuff, I couldn't really see ''open doors'' like most of my classmates did.
The resources I had at school weren't particularly helpful to me. When I moved to London, I found that there was an ocean of opportunities and second chances to rebuild yourself; which I never even knew was possible. I thought that it was all too late to start again and give my full potential at another shot toward my dreams. But here I am! It happened. I am working toward where I want to go,
and suddenly my future wasn't a blank page anymore. Replacing the blank page are now a pile of drafts, different plans and futures I am working on and I get to choose which one to finalize.
